thinking about a very short hotdog
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there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…