*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy