“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
You Might Also Like
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.