My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“OMGJK” -atheists
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.