Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Doctors texting each other.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Bike for sale
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.