I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
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It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Noah was an idiot.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?