[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
is this a threat
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
How I like cutting carbs
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I beg your pardon?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.