The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
True
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower