My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
You Might Also Like
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Shower sex be like:
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Facebook marketplace is a different world
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.