I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
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SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I was up all night reading about insomnia
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
People buying plungers never look happy.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I love you to the refrigerator and back