when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
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God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Ion see the issue
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Baller is short for ballerina
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.