[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
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If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.