My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
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the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
HBO
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HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”