[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”