If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
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DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
A roof is a house hat.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you