Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Stonehinge
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker