Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
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i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Employees must applaud the planets.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?