I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
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“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.