It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
You Might Also Like
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.