“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
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There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.