I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
You Might Also Like
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
*jingles half the way*
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.