If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
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*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Breaking news:
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven