Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
BRAKING NEWS!!
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?