Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
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[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off