Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
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snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.