haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
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My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
channeling her this year
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook