What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
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I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos