captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
when dads have a rap battle