me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Made something I’m not proud of
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.