[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.