I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
This makes total sense…
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it