social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
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{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.