A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”