Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
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[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river