angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
You Might Also Like
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’m just playing devils avocado here
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online