#gardening
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The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.