*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
You Might Also Like
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Mornin
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”