“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
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Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My time has come.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.