me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Best mom ever 😂
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.