Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up