credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
You Might Also Like
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that