hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Home #decor warning.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]