17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex