wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
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[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The Sun
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM