[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Oh we’ve met.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.