“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”