if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
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swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
He-man has a Masters degree
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Morning my dudes.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”