ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
You Might Also Like
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I’m giving up ice.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.