I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Finally!
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
United Steaks of America
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
she has a point
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere