As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
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Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I’m crying im so happy for them
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.